Robot Ninja Whores (And sometimes Pirates and Zombies, ZOMG!!!111shift1)

Anderson Cooper Versus the Bachelorette!

Fact:

Anderson Cooper is a ninja.

Fact:

Anderson Cooper has the balls to ask  the tough questions.

Fact:

Like a ninja, Anderson Cooper sneaks in the question we all have on our minds.
Story via Zombi, I mean Zimbio.

One of the worst movies ever just got better. Instead of a dramatic look into the showgirl industry in Las Vegas, we got Jessie Spano pole dancing. Sure, that’s not completely a bad thing. We turned our backs at her obvious greatness. When we take a look back at her Saved By The Bell years, her acting seemed so much better in a Saturday morning television show than an NC-17 rated anti-masterpiece.

So much better.

I read that they started making a Party In A Box version of the DVD, complete with shot glasses and “pin the panties on the stripper.” I’m not going to lie. That’s as good as it gets people. Showgirls just got better. And if you disagree, you are obviously not as great as Elizabeth Berkley.

Showgirls, the Ultimate Party In A Box on sale now!

Erin Andrews, the sideline reporter/sportscaster for ESPN, was recently filmed walking around naked in her hotel room… through a peep hole drilled from an adjacent room. I thought this kind of thing only happened in teen high jinx films from the 80s.

Recently, TMZ obtained a 911 phone call with the awesomest quote ever.

I did nothing wrong, and I’m being treated like fucking Britney Spears, and it sucks.

It just kind of fit with the last post where Paris Hilton claims to not really be a slut, but also a very unfortunate circumstance for the reporter. Also, this chick has so many looks. She’s like a soccer mom in one photo, a college co-ed in another, then she can also look extremely hot with the right makeup and lighting and boob implants. Does she deserve the media attention? Probably. Should she be treated like Britney Spears? Probably not.

More from the Chicago Sun-Times.

From time to time we Google “Paris Hilton” on Google. I don’t know why I do it. Probably because I love train wrecks and I’m attracted to women with money and power like a Jewish girl is attracted to bagels and bricks of gold. Did I go too far? Probably.

In a new story via E! Online, Paris claims that her bubbly persona is merely her character, or brand, she invented. She goes on to specifically say she is not a slut, nor a stupid “airhead.” Apparently she’s a ninja and we never knew it. Well I suspected, but do we take her on her word? Ninjas are liars after all… but that’s what makes them ninjas. I digress.

First of all, she did not invent “the slut.” I new quite a few that gave me hand-jobs in high school, so she’s really going to have to do more than be slutty. Maybe reinvent the “slut.” She’s really more than some cheap floozy. She’s kind of a rich floozy.

As for being stupid? Well I never thought she was stupid. She’s a genius. It’s all about the ends and she knows how to make them, hand over fist. Even though she’s an “heiress” of millions upon millions, she has the tenacity and capability to turn that into billions and billions. Plus she’s fairly attractive. Fairly attractive and millions of dollars is pretty much a recipe for not having to work the rest of her life, but she will do it anyway.

Paris Hilton, please have my babies so I can live off your fortune. (Please don’t tell my girlfriend either).

The E! Online article, via Yahoo!

A NASA investigation team is trying to determine why a protective nose cone failed to detach during the launching of a climate satellite on Tuesday morning, dooming the $278 million mission and leaving scientists without a much-anticipated advance in the tracking of global carbon dioxide emissions.

The Orbiting Carbon Observatory lifted off on schedule at 1:55 a.m. Pacific time from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California aboard a four-stage Taurus XL rocket. But about three minutes later, seven seconds after the ignition of the third stage, the payload fairing — a nose cone that protects the satellite as it rises through the atmosphere — failed to separate as commanded.

“It’s a huge disappointment to the entire team that’s worked very hard over years and years and really did their best to see it through,” Charles P. Dovale, the launching manager, said at a news conference. “The reason not everyone is able to do this is it’s hard. And even when you do the best you can, you can still fail. It’s a tough business.”

It’s a tough business my ass! More like tough for the tax payers to have to pay $278 million to cover their fucking  bullshit mistakes!!

NYtimes.com

The bizarre markings spotted using Google Earth’s new underwater search tool last week unleashed a tsunami of theories and speculation across the Web about the origins of the grid-like pattern.

The most popular theory was that the markings were signs of the lost city of Atlantis. But Bits readers also wondered if the maze of lines could be anything from the mystical island featured on the television show “Lost” to an underwater lair inhabited by former Vice President Dick Cheney.

According to Google, it’s time to shelve those tinfoil hats.

In an interview, Steve Miller, product manager for Ocean in Google Earth, firmly debunked rumors that the crisscross markings were anything other than artificial data remnants left by sonar-equipped boats collecting data from the ocean floor.

While sound waves are considered to be more effective than satellites for mapping strips of the ocean floor, they’re often more expensive and time-consuming to use. “The boats have to go slowly. Otherwise, they make a lot of noise and can wash out the readings,” said Mr. Miller. As a result, boats are used less frequently, leaving fewer grid-like sonar patterns visible on Google Earth’s map of the ocean.

Yeah right it has got to be the mystical Island of Lost! It just has to be! I knew that Island was real!!! Now I know where to go to enjoy a nice relaxing vacation or maybe a little time travel.

NY Times.com

As part of the Star Trek webmaster program, I get all the crazy new awesome Star Trek web resources first. They, in turn, get free publicity.

Star Trek released their new movie logo today, which is suspiciously similar to Transformers. I always said that if the Transformers movie was super bad-ass, awesome, I’d go see the new Star Trek. Both were written by Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the pair of whom speak to the heart of every nerd in the universe. In addition, Damon Lindelof and JJ Abrams of Lost, one of my all time favorite shows, are also producing this bad boy.

This makes me a whore.

But really fellas, come up with a better Star Trek logo. Unless we’re going to see the TOS crew battle Decepticons, I think a more traditional approach should have been made.

Beam me up, beam me up, Scotty

The newest product made from goat’s milk is not a tangy cheese, but a drug that could prevent fatal blood clots.

Ushering in a new era of both agricultural and pharmaceutical technology, the Food and Drug Administration on Friday approved the first pharmaceutical product made in the milk of genetically engineered animals.

The 200 goats, which are assiduously cared for at a secure farm in central Massachusetts, contain a human gene that causes them to produce a human blood protein in their milk. After the goats are milked, the protein can be extracted for sale as a drug.

I mean what the fuck is this about? Can’t I sell my breast milk for this shit?

Get the whole article at NY Times.

IBM’s future super computer is so fast, it’ll be faster than the top 500 super computers in the world on the Top500 Supercomputer list… combined. This is like giving the keys of your new Porsche to your kids, and telling them to only drive to school. WTF are you doin? Of course they’re gonna take their slutty teen ho-bags for a spin.

Gizmodo reports:

• If each of the 6.7 billion people on earth had a hand calculator and worked together on a calculation 24 hours per day, 365 days a year, it would take 320 years to do what Sequoia will do in one hour.
• 20 petaflops could offer a 50x improvement in our capability to predict earthquakes, allowing scientists to predict an earthquake’s effects on a building-by-building basis across an area as large as Los Angeles County.
• 20 petaflops could also provide a 40x improvement in our capability to monitor and forecast weather. This would allow forecasters to predict local weather events that affect areas 100 meters to one kilometer in size, down from their current ten-kilometer ability.

20 petaflops could also help me watch porn on my iPhone without crashing it… Oh, if only life were that simple.

I’m sure that giant robots are in our future. Gizmodo has already called it.

Gizmodo is like Skynet

Babies and young children seem to always be putting things in their mouths. Often, I have wondered how good crushed rock or dried up dog shit could actually taste?! But come to find out eating a little dirt is what helps us develop a healthy immune system. So weird right? All I know is I’d rather be dying a terrible death from a cold or illness rather than eating dried up dog shit.

To find out more on dirt and dried up dog shit check out the New York Times.