Robot Ninja Whores (And sometimes Pirates and Zombies, ZOMG!!!111shift1)

From time to time we Google “Paris Hilton” on Google. I don’t know why I do it. Probably because I love train wrecks and I’m attracted to women with money and power like a Jewish girl is attracted to bagels and bricks of gold. Did I go too far? Probably.

In a new story via E! Online, Paris claims that her bubbly persona is merely her character, or brand, she invented. She goes on to specifically say she is not a slut, nor a stupid “airhead.” Apparently she’s a ninja and we never knew it. Well I suspected, but do we take her on her word? Ninjas are liars after all… but that’s what makes them ninjas. I digress.

First of all, she did not invent “the slut.” I new quite a few that gave me hand-jobs in high school, so she’s really going to have to do more than be slutty. Maybe reinvent the “slut.” She’s really more than some cheap floozy. She’s kind of a rich floozy.

As for being stupid? Well I never thought she was stupid. She’s a genius. It’s all about the ends and she knows how to make them, hand over fist. Even though she’s an “heiress” of millions upon millions, she has the tenacity and capability to turn that into billions and billions. Plus she’s fairly attractive. Fairly attractive and millions of dollars is pretty much a recipe for not having to work the rest of her life, but she will do it anyway.

Paris Hilton, please have my babies so I can live off your fortune. (Please don’t tell my girlfriend either).

The E! Online article, via Yahoo!

Real women would never want to be anything like Paris! –Unless you want to be famous for DUI’s, sex tapes, or even being a drug smuggler. Allegedly, some guy named Darnell Riley stole some scandalous video tapes from Paris. Riley states that in one of Paris’ videos that her ex Nick is taping, Paris pulls out a zip-lock baggie full of weed from her luggage, breaks it down and proceeds to roll a fatty.

Unbelievable! She flew drugs into Mexico? That’s the kind of shit that you’re supposed to fly out of Mexico, not into Mexico! Nick comments that this tape can never get out and Paris says, “Yeah, the Paris Hilton tape, part two.” OMG, Paris didn’t you learn from Brokedown Palace circa 1999? Sooo very ballsy of you, even if your stuff is some kind of Pineapple Express. Nobody knows if she’s actually that stupid or just figured she would bribe the federales with money and/or a sexual favor. To get the real low down on Paris, check out the book Six Degrees of Paris Hilton.

Look for it in your local book store’s bargain bin, or buy it at Amazon.com

A periodical Google for Paris Hilton has yielded this result: 1 Night in Paris

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412260/

Remember that sex tape? Well, it has an IMDB page. Who knew?

As a bonus… here’s a bunion on her foot. EWWWW!

1 Bunion on Paris

This week in our Periodical Google Search of Paris Hilton, we have discovered a news story about Paris’ hatred of panties. The story says Paris was trying on bikinis worth about $300 each when the store asked her to purchase them because she wasn’t wearing any panties. Paris responded by saying they didn’t fit and refused to buy them. I don’t even have a joke for this story.

Paris hates panties. Men rejoice, somewhat. 

I’m warning you now that if you stare at it long enough, it’ll devour your soul… also clicking on the link will force you to a) throw up, b) put your fist into the monitor, c) send me hate mail.

You might want to turn down the volume