Robot Ninja Whores (And sometimes Pirates and Zombies, ZOMG!!!111shift1)

Anderson Cooper Versus the Bachelorette!

Fact:

Anderson Cooper is a ninja.

Fact:

Anderson Cooper has the balls to ask  the tough questions.

Fact:

Like a ninja, Anderson Cooper sneaks in the question we all have on our minds.
Story via Zombi, I mean Zimbio.

Erin Andrews, the sideline reporter/sportscaster for ESPN, was recently filmed walking around naked in her hotel room… through a peep hole drilled from an adjacent room. I thought this kind of thing only happened in teen high jinx films from the 80s.

Recently, TMZ obtained a 911 phone call with the awesomest quote ever.

I did nothing wrong, and I’m being treated like fucking Britney Spears, and it sucks.

It just kind of fit with the last post where Paris Hilton claims to not really be a slut, but also a very unfortunate circumstance for the reporter. Also, this chick has so many looks. She’s like a soccer mom in one photo, a college co-ed in another, then she can also look extremely hot with the right makeup and lighting and boob implants. Does she deserve the media attention? Probably. Should she be treated like Britney Spears? Probably not.

More from the Chicago Sun-Times.

From time to time we Google “Paris Hilton” on Google. I don’t know why I do it. Probably because I love train wrecks and I’m attracted to women with money and power like a Jewish girl is attracted to bagels and bricks of gold. Did I go too far? Probably.

In a new story via E! Online, Paris claims that her bubbly persona is merely her character, or brand, she invented. She goes on to specifically say she is not a slut, nor a stupid “airhead.” Apparently she’s a ninja and we never knew it. Well I suspected, but do we take her on her word? Ninjas are liars after all… but that’s what makes them ninjas. I digress.

First of all, she did not invent “the slut.” I new quite a few that gave me hand-jobs in high school, so she’s really going to have to do more than be slutty. Maybe reinvent the “slut.” She’s really more than some cheap floozy. She’s kind of a rich floozy.

As for being stupid? Well I never thought she was stupid. She’s a genius. It’s all about the ends and she knows how to make them, hand over fist. Even though she’s an “heiress” of millions upon millions, she has the tenacity and capability to turn that into billions and billions. Plus she’s fairly attractive. Fairly attractive and millions of dollars is pretty much a recipe for not having to work the rest of her life, but she will do it anyway.

Paris Hilton, please have my babies so I can live off your fortune. (Please don’t tell my girlfriend either).

The E! Online article, via Yahoo!

Our friend, Bullet McKenzie, told me about Shirley Manson’s cameo as a T-1000 on the hit show Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. This wouldn’t be so odd except that she transforms from a urinal in one of the scenes. I’ve yet to see this, nor have I been able to find any cool photos online, thus I made my own shown above. As Bullet McKenzie puts it, this brings new meaning to the song Only Happy When It Rains. She’s a fan of golden showers, though.

After some hardcore Googling, I did come up with something else that’s pretty neat. Via Gizmodo, check out this Photoshop Masterpiece.

Shakeutron, as Gizmodo calls it, will help you shake and tug until you’re dry. I really hope it’s only a two-shaker. Anything else would be aweso–I mean obscene. It’s even got cameras, which I’m sure is used to tell you that your penis is ridiculously small and offer you penis enlargement tips. I think I’ve just invented a new marketing channel for the men’s room.

Shakeutron shakes your weiner!

Matt Damon tells CBS of his dislike for Sarah Palin and ninjas his way into likening a McCain presidency to a bad Disney movie. He uses big words like “actuary tables” and “governance.” He also insinuated that there’s a one in three chance that McCain will not survive his first term… you know, because he’s old and was actually around 4,000 years ago when dinosaurs were around. His animosity for Palin stems from her inexperience and right-wing views. Also, she’s a hockey mom, not a soccer mom, so obviously there’s something wrong with her. Just watch the damn video.

Matt Damon: Friend or Foe?

Prepare yourselves for the most awesome in high-tech gagets: A flying camera. You can own your very own drone for the very low price of [insert price here because it's too damn expensive and you should stop dreaming].

What’s that red glowy thing? No, it’s not a Cylon, it’s your neighbor’s kid trying to take pictures of your daughter in the shower. If only John Belushi were alive to see this.

DragonFly X6 Website

Recently, I wrote a review on Yelp.com on how to defend against zombies from a Costco. There are zombie survival kits out there–just take a look at the amazing items from Amazon.com to procure before the onslaught of zombie devistation!

Zombie Survival Kits, Now on sale.

Dennis Kucinich, democratic presidential candidate, has great views on politics. As a politician, he’s an excellent speaker and quite intelligent. This doesn’t mean we’re voting for him, but we’re noticing one awesome thing about him: He’s a vegan nerd. Mr. Kucinich proves us that nice guys don’t finish last. They just have to find hot English brides while they run for president of the United States of America. To Mr. Dennis Kucinich, I say kudos! Good luck in 2008! Plus, your wife is hot and you must be one awesome ninja.

The Kucinich Campaign Site

Makoto Nagano is a 34 year old fisherman. Makoto Nagano is also a ninja. Proof? Watch this clip given to us by a Live Journal user. The sad part isn’t that he looks like me and they play Atari’s Pole Position race starting beeps before the man takes off into oblivion and ninja record books. No, the sad part is that I want to be him and I like Atari’s Pole Position. But the really sad part is I don’t have a joke for Pole Position.

Ninja Skills

I just want to say that this is the most awesomest thing ever. I say that a lot, but this time I mean it. If Carl (My late teddybear hamster) were alive today, he’d want one. I don’t even know what post category to put this in. Let’s just say “ninja.”

Via Gizmodo