Robot Ninja Whores (And sometimes Pirates and Zombies, ZOMG!!!111shift1)

One of the worst movies ever just got better. Instead of a dramatic look into the showgirl industry in Las Vegas, we got Jessie Spano pole dancing. Sure, that’s not completely a bad thing. We turned our backs at her obvious greatness. When we take a look back at her Saved By The Bell years, her acting seemed so much better in a Saturday morning television show than an NC-17 rated anti-masterpiece.

So much better.

I read that they started making a Party In A Box version of the DVD, complete with shot glasses and “pin the panties on the stripper.” I’m not going to lie. That’s as good as it gets people. Showgirls just got better. And if you disagree, you are obviously not as great as Elizabeth Berkley.

Showgirls, the Ultimate Party In A Box on sale now!

Erin Andrews, the sideline reporter/sportscaster for ESPN, was recently filmed walking around naked in her hotel room… through a peep hole drilled from an adjacent room. I thought this kind of thing only happened in teen high jinx films from the 80s.

Recently, TMZ obtained a 911 phone call with the awesomest quote ever.

I did nothing wrong, and I’m being treated like fucking Britney Spears, and it sucks.

It just kind of fit with the last post where Paris Hilton claims to not really be a slut, but also a very unfortunate circumstance for the reporter. Also, this chick has so many looks. She’s like a soccer mom in one photo, a college co-ed in another, then she can also look extremely hot with the right makeup and lighting and boob implants. Does she deserve the media attention? Probably. Should she be treated like Britney Spears? Probably not.

More from the Chicago Sun-Times.

From time to time we Google “Paris Hilton” on Google. I don’t know why I do it. Probably because I love train wrecks and I’m attracted to women with money and power like a Jewish girl is attracted to bagels and bricks of gold. Did I go too far? Probably.

In a new story via E! Online, Paris claims that her bubbly persona is merely her character, or brand, she invented. She goes on to specifically say she is not a slut, nor a stupid “airhead.” Apparently she’s a ninja and we never knew it. Well I suspected, but do we take her on her word? Ninjas are liars after all… but that’s what makes them ninjas. I digress.

First of all, she did not invent “the slut.” I new quite a few that gave me hand-jobs in high school, so she’s really going to have to do more than be slutty. Maybe reinvent the “slut.” She’s really more than some cheap floozy. She’s kind of a rich floozy.

As for being stupid? Well I never thought she was stupid. She’s a genius. It’s all about the ends and she knows how to make them, hand over fist. Even though she’s an “heiress” of millions upon millions, she has the tenacity and capability to turn that into billions and billions. Plus she’s fairly attractive. Fairly attractive and millions of dollars is pretty much a recipe for not having to work the rest of her life, but she will do it anyway.

Paris Hilton, please have my babies so I can live off your fortune. (Please don’t tell my girlfriend either).

The E! Online article, via Yahoo!

As part of the Star Trek webmaster program, I get all the crazy new awesome Star Trek web resources first. They, in turn, get free publicity.

Star Trek released their new movie logo today, which is suspiciously similar to Transformers. I always said that if the Transformers movie was super bad-ass, awesome, I’d go see the new Star Trek. Both were written by Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the pair of whom speak to the heart of every nerd in the universe. In addition, Damon Lindelof and JJ Abrams of Lost, one of my all time favorite shows, are also producing this bad boy.

This makes me a whore.

But really fellas, come up with a better Star Trek logo. Unless we’re going to see the TOS crew battle Decepticons, I think a more traditional approach should have been made.

Beam me up, beam me up, Scotty

Real women would never want to be anything like Paris! –Unless you want to be famous for DUI’s, sex tapes, or even being a drug smuggler. Allegedly, some guy named Darnell Riley stole some scandalous video tapes from Paris. Riley states that in one of Paris’ videos that her ex Nick is taping, Paris pulls out a zip-lock baggie full of weed from her luggage, breaks it down and proceeds to roll a fatty.

Unbelievable! She flew drugs into Mexico? That’s the kind of shit that you’re supposed to fly out of Mexico, not into Mexico! Nick comments that this tape can never get out and Paris says, “Yeah, the Paris Hilton tape, part two.” OMG, Paris didn’t you learn from Brokedown Palace circa 1999? Sooo very ballsy of you, even if your stuff is some kind of Pineapple Express. Nobody knows if she’s actually that stupid or just figured she would bribe the federales with money and/or a sexual favor. To get the real low down on Paris, check out the book Six Degrees of Paris Hilton.

Look for it in your local book store’s bargain bin, or buy it at Amazon.com

Even with a perfect figure, it can be difficult to draw attention in the era of outpatient cosmetic surgery. Luckily the Nipple Pheromone is here to help.

If ditching the bra and dropping the ambient temperature to a brisk 35 degrees hasn’t done the trick, or if nature has simply not provided you with nipples that can protrude sensually from your otherwise PG business casual sweater, the Nipple Pheromone can level the playing field so you can compete with that new, hot cleavage chick from HR. After all, you are an educated, hard-working, handsome man. And dammit, you deserve that promotion.

[Tokyo Times]
Get your nipples at youtube.com

The Swedes have an 18k gold plated “massager” that makes me want to let potential buyers know I put out for a good cheeseburger.

The description reads:

The most luxurious vibrators and massagers in the world, arriving on a satin pillow in an exclusive wooden box, ready for truly special users. All are crafted in stainless steel or 18K gold plate, materials that offer exciting prospects for those inclined to the sensual use of temperature.

I want all women to know that I can too come on a satin pillow and in a wooden box (if you’re into that sorta thing).

Death by Snoo Snoo

Get your very own Presidential or Vice Presidential candidate Cabbage Patch doll on Ebay!  These are much pricier than the 80s originals; Sarah Palin is the most expensive at $716.  McCain and Obama cost a modest $510, and Biden goes for a measly $425.  Foxnews.com said it best: “While children aren’t allowed to vote, a few lucky little ones can still pick — and hug and kiss and squeeze — their president.” Only 4d 19h 27m left to bid, so hurry!

This is NOT Sarah Palin, the Maverick, but we can all get our wankers off to a look-a-like, can’t we? It’s a blow-up doll. That’s right. Maverick blow-up. Mavericks every where can rejoice. Maverick.

Sex, Palin Style

9th Grade Whore on Maury – Watch more free videos

I’m not going to lie. This video is ridiculous. This 9th grader is a whore. Seriously, you guys.

I do what I want!

9th Grade Whore on Maury