Robot Ninja Whores (And sometimes Pirates and Zombies, ZOMG!!!111shift1)

From time to time we Google “Paris Hilton” on Google. I don’t know why I do it. Probably because I love train wrecks and I’m attracted to women with money and power like a Jewish girl is attracted to bagels and bricks of gold. Did I go too far? Probably.

In a new story via E! Online, Paris claims that her bubbly persona is merely her character, or brand, she invented. She goes on to specifically say she is not a slut, nor a stupid “airhead.” Apparently she’s a ninja and we never knew it. Well I suspected, but do we take her on her word? Ninjas are liars after all… but that’s what makes them ninjas. I digress.

First of all, she did not invent “the slut.” I new quite a few that gave me hand-jobs in high school, so she’s really going to have to do more than be slutty. Maybe reinvent the “slut.” She’s really more than some cheap floozy. She’s kind of a rich floozy.

As for being stupid? Well I never thought she was stupid. She’s a genius. It’s all about the ends and she knows how to make them, hand over fist. Even though she’s an “heiress” of millions upon millions, she has the tenacity and capability to turn that into billions and billions. Plus she’s fairly attractive. Fairly attractive and millions of dollars is pretty much a recipe for not having to work the rest of her life, but she will do it anyway.

Paris Hilton, please have my babies so I can live off your fortune. (Please don’t tell my girlfriend either).

The E! Online article, via Yahoo!

Matt Damon tells CBS of his dislike for Sarah Palin and ninjas his way into likening a McCain presidency to a bad Disney movie. He uses big words like “actuary tables” and “governance.” He also insinuated that there’s a one in three chance that McCain will not survive his first term… you know, because he’s old and was actually around 4,000 years ago when dinosaurs were around. His animosity for Palin stems from her inexperience and right-wing views. Also, she’s a hockey mom, not a soccer mom, so obviously there’s something wrong with her. Just watch the damn video.

Matt Damon: Friend or Foe?

This is pretty late, but check out John McCain = Cylon. So vote for him if you want to be enslaved.

Obviously not paid for by Obama

Prepare yourselves for the most awesome in high-tech gagets: A flying camera. You can own your very own drone for the very low price of [insert price here because it's too damn expensive and you should stop dreaming].

What’s that red glowy thing? No, it’s not a Cylon, it’s your neighbor’s kid trying to take pictures of your daughter in the shower. If only John Belushi were alive to see this.

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